February’s Bland Horoscope

No one likes the unknown, especially when bland stuff is concerned. Get a head start on fate by seeing how your month is going to play out…

February: The Month of the Shopping Bags.

According to ancient Chinese legend, the second month of the year is the month when most carrier bag related accidents happen. Avoid uncertainty this month: read on to see how the trillions of bags under your sink will affect your day-to-day!

Aries (21st March – 19th April)

Be very careful: there is great danger in your path. Be sure to stock up on 5ps or old carrier bags before you leave the house, lest you end up high and dry with an armful of loose onions and a twenty minute walk home.

Astral gemstone: Onyx.

Taurus (20th April – 20th May)

Wow! You’re going to have an absolutely fabulous month, at least as far as plastic bags are concerned. Maybe you’ll end up with more bags than you paid for at the self checkout, or maybe a concerned auntie will give you one of those special foldaway shopping bags. Either way, you’re in luck!

Astral shapeRhombus.

Gemini (21st May – 20th June)

Ahh, Gemini. The sign of the twins. I have always had a soft spot for you and your early summer birthdays, which is why it pains me to tell you you’re in for it this month. Heck, your future looks worse than Aries! If I were you, I’d get a friend, parent or significant other to handle any carrier bag related matters this month.

Hey, don’t shoot the messenger: all I do is interpret the signs the heavens send me.

Astral bargain: PG Tips half off at Asda.

Cancer (21st June – July 22nd)

Fairly average month for you guys. You’ll probably forget to take a bag with you when you go shopping and get slapped by that hefty 5p charge, but on the other hand you might find a fiver in one of the old ones under the sink.

Astral herb: Parsley.

Leo (23rd July – August 22nd)

Life’s a lottery, and so is your fate this month, Leo. Some of you will emerge victorious, clutching a bunch of sturdy bags for life; others will stumble, shaking, into March, with nothing but a holey one from the chippy.

Astral phobia: Gamophobia (the fear of commitment).

Virgo (23rd August – 22nd September)

After a shaky history with carrier bags, it looks like things are finally going your way this month. You will remember your bag just before you leave for the shops, and will spend the rest of the day with a sense of mild gratitude.

Astral nostalgic banger: Kids by MGMT.

Libra (23rd September – 22nd October)

You will stuff a shopping bag in your pocket and be uncomfortable with the bulge it makes. Don’t fight it: there is nothing you can do to stop this from coming to pass. Such is your fate.

Astral fashion tipClean and polished shoes make all the difference!

Scorpio (23rd October – 21st November)

You will amaze your friends and coworkers by telling them about how this random blog you found predicted this very conversation.

When they question you, you will show them this very horoscope, making sure to draw their attention to the high quality content and the ‘follow’ button, found by clicking the little icon on the footer at the bottom.

By doing this, you will finally gain their respect and admiration, and the CEO of Tesco’s will give you unlimited bags for life… for life.

Astral fancy foodstuff: Caviar.

Sagittarius (22nd November – 21st December)

Keep your wits about you this month. There will be people (neighbours, coworkers, enemies) who will try and take your bags from you. It’s up to you to stop them. Good luck.

Astral beverage: Soy latte.

Capricorn (22nd December – 19th January)

Carelessness this month will cause a pointy object to pierce a hole in your favourite plastic bag. It may be wise to double bag your groceries in order to avoid a high street accident.

Astral vegetable: Artichoke.

Aquarius (20th January – 18th February)

There is a crossroads in your path, and you will have to make a decision on an issue you’ve been avoiding for months. In this trying time, you will find consolation in throwing out all the old bags you’ve been hoarding since 2012.

Astral score: 2-1 Middlesborough United.

Pisces (19th February – 20th March)

Despite your marine star sign, you’ve always been wary about fish. This month your guard will slip: double bagging your purchase in a vain attempt to keep it fresh, you will leave your fresh salmon fillet in the car as you pop into work. The results will be carnage. Invest in one of those tree-shaped car airfresheners.

Astral reptile: African Pancake Turtle.

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