Reader, I’m back under my traditional black cloud. I’ve been feeling really low the last few days, and as well as being *cough* depressed, I’m demotivated and frustrated.
What’s the opposite of empowered? That’s how I’ve been feeling.
Here’s what’s uniquely frustrating: I’m really, really, truly and wholeheartedly trying to get better. I’m engaging with therapy; I am genuinely trying to implement my therapist’s advice. I’m trying to make constructive choices. I’m taking my medication. Despite this – despite my very, very best efforts – I’ve still been waking up feeling crushingly empty.
I feel like I’ve been given a stupid orchid to look after and I’ve been doing everything I should – watering it properly at the right times, buying it special soil or whatever orchids need – and the fucking thing has still died.
Here’s a list of the good, positive stuff I’ve been forcing myself to do:
- Speak to people
- Eat green food
- Not text my ex
- Notice the beautiful stuff in life
- Be creative
- Get sleep
- Get out of bed
My therapist and I have started talking about selfharm a bit more as well, and we’ve agreed that, whilst trying to stop is a bit mammoth, I should try and take a breath when I feel the urge to. Like, I’m not telling myself that I won’t selfharm, but I’m just saying I’ll wait ten minutes. The idea is that I’ll feel more in control.
Or, at least, I had been trying; but now I’m just tired out. I feel run down. I feel like my natural state is depression and trying to combat that is Sisyphean. I’ve run out of willpower and I’ve stopped trying to be good over the last few days.
The problem is that the good choice doesn’t always make you feel good. Let’s take the example of texting the guy I was seeing. (This also applies to selfharm, I think, but that’s a bit intense for a Wednesday.) If I don’t text him – that’s good. That’s the right thing to do. But if I don’t text him, I don’t get any kind of positive feeling. I don’t feel anything at all. So I can make the choice not to text him, but I sort of have to continuously make that choice without feeling any kind of reward. Whereas, if I text him, I get a rush of whatever chemical your brain produces when you do something fucking dumb; and, what’s more, I get a sense of closure. I’ve done it; it’s done. If I don’t text him, I have to keep not texting him for the whole night.
I feel like things should be getting easier, and sometimes they are; but right now stuff is hard – and I’m tired of trying. I want to disengage for a while, but I think this is The Wrong Choice.
This is probably the worst blog post in the history of the world but ya girl needs to vent.
Love you very much,