Choices

Reader, I’m back under my traditional black cloud. I’ve been feeling really low the last few days, and as well as being *cough* depressed, I’m demotivated and frustrated.

What’s the opposite of empowered? That’s how I’ve been feeling.

Here’s what’s uniquely frustrating: I’m really, really, truly and wholeheartedly trying to get better. I’m engaging with therapy; I am genuinely trying to implement my therapist’s advice. I’m trying to make constructive choices. I’m taking my medication. Despite this – despite my very, very best efforts – I’ve still been waking up feeling crushingly empty.

I feel like I’ve been given a stupid orchid to look after and I’ve been doing everything I should – watering it properly at the right times, buying it special soil or whatever orchids need – and the fucking thing has still died.

Here’s a list of the good, positive stuff I’ve been forcing myself to do:

  • Yoga
  • Speak to people
  • Eat green food
  • Not text my ex
  • Notice the beautiful stuff in life
  • Be creative
  • Get sleep
  • Get out of bed

My therapist and I have started talking about selfharm a bit more as well, and we’ve agreed that, whilst trying to stop is a bit mammoth, I should try and take a breath when I feel the urge to. Like, I’m not telling myself that I won’t selfharm, but I’m just saying I’ll wait ten minutes. The idea is that I’ll feel more in control.

Or, at least, I had been trying; but now I’m just tired out. I feel run down. I feel like my natural state is depression and trying to combat that is Sisyphean. I’ve run out of willpower and I’ve stopped trying to be good over the last few days.

The problem is that the good choice doesn’t always make you feel good. Let’s take the example of texting the guy I was seeing. (This also applies to selfharm, I think, but that’s a bit intense for a Wednesday.) If I don’t text him – that’s good. That’s the right thing to do. But if I don’t text him, I don’t get any kind of positive feeling. I don’t feel anything at all. So I can make the choice not to text him, but I sort of have to continuously make that choice without feeling any kind of reward. Whereas, if I text him, I get a rush of whatever chemical your brain produces when you do something fucking dumb; and, what’s more, I get a sense of closure. I’ve done it; it’s done. If I don’t text him, I have to keep not texting him for the whole night.

I feel like things should be getting easier, and sometimes they are; but right now stuff is hard – and I’m tired of trying. I want to disengage for a while, but I think this is The Wrong Choice.

This is probably the worst blog post in the history of the world but ya girl needs to vent.

Love you very much,

Ro

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6 thoughts on “Choices

  1. Oh my…well, I do think that you put into words, oh so well, a state that so many for so long have been going through. You definitively have that gift. I hope the writing and or this blog give you some kind of relief at least! While I have a very different issue in my doorstep, I’ve been through the therapy with the “home work” with the meds etc., etc., and all that and have dutifully done it aĺl, but….but…ya. Ugh. You will be the first to know if Ifind the door to happy and peaceful living. In the meantime, Ro, hang in there. Know we are here, know that we care. ((((Hugs)))) 👍💜 (Purple heart for the wounded).

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Aww sweetie—I feel this! I’m a lifelong struggler myself with depression and anxiety and complex-trauma issues. It’s been a long hard slog practicing the healthy stuff and I feel like my brain chemistry is finally changing for the better. You’ve said it SO WELL, searching for that drama-high keeps us trapped in the bad stuff. So hard to disengage from that thinking!

    Can you reward yourself somehow when you choose to avoid the harmful behavior so you still get a “high” but a positive one? And don’t you wish being intelligent and a damn fine writer made you immune to this shitstorm mental health can be?

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this….I know how truly hateful it is. I also know it’s hard to give ourselves the grace we’d give a friend when we’re the one going through it.

    Hearts and puppies playing and all that stuff….

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I hope venting made you feel a little better? There are so many of us in the same boat as you. I am about to start 7 weeks of TMS therapy and am ever hopeful. There is always some clever person inventing new treatments/medications. Be well. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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