The north of England’s finest indie quartet and hair gel visionaries, the Arctic Monkeys, recently released their sixth album to mixed reviews. Fans and critics alike were bemused by the new direction Alex Turner, the band’s frontman, had taken the band, and ticket prices for the upcoming tour raised eyebrows and lowered spirits.
However, like any self-respecting student of Sheffield University, I’m an unquestioning fan of AM. Knowing all the words to Fluorescent Adolescent is practically an admissions requirement here, and every Sheffield student has had at least a couple of nights out hearing nothing but Turner’s rapidly diminishing Sheff accent.
I spend so much time around Arctic Monkeys fans that I’ve developed an uncanny ability to predict someone’s personality based on their favourite album. Here are the headlines, in chronological order.
Whatever People Say I Am, That’s What I’m Not
- call things wank;
- appreciate a good Spoons and are disgusted by a sub-par one;
- love it when people don’t understand your accent;
- don’t know the difference between a flat white and a latte;
- used to get into minor trouble at school;
- eventually turned it around and now have a scholarship;
- go for knackered Converse but tracky bottoms tucked in socks are a step too far;
- don’t understand what people see in goats cheese.
Favourite Worst Nightmare
- think up nicknames for your friends based on puns of their names;
- eventually forget their real names;
- tell people too much about how your exes were in bed;
- are genuinely very witty;
- refuse to engage in any kind of political conversation;
- get misty-eyed and start talking about Love when you’ve had a few;
- used to drink gin – since it became trendy and expensive you’ve reverted to cider.
- are the intense/edgy one in the group;
- are into the Beat generation;
- struggle to take anyone seriously if they say they’ve never read Howl or heard of William S. Burrows;
- think Locke is genius;
- never eat three square meals a day – you either live off one (1) grape or eat five feasts in three hours;
- make too-intense eye contact;
- secretly love Orange is the New Black.
Suck it and See
- think the White Album is the best Beatles album;
- only watch films by first-time directors;
- quite recently started spending loads of money on grooming sets: razors with polished handles, combs, artisan hair gunk, and locally-sourced shoe polish;
- find random word generators and malapropisms endlessly funny;
- filled your phone with vocab games and apps that let you know where the closest espresso is at all times.
- have a cactus in a really expensive pot on your kitchen windowsill;
- lost your regional accent the same morning you got an offer to study history or literature at a southern university;
- cleaned up your look after you got sick of your mum calling you “shabby chic”;
- go to Glastonbury every year and stay in a yurt;
- only buy stuff if it’s bespoke and/or artisanal.
Tranquility Base Hotel and Casino
- post stories on Instagram of David Bowie street art;
- are experimenting with retro facial hair;
- don’t realise how much said facial hair makes you look like your dad in the 70s;
- constantly insist there’s art/music in everything, even a receptionist answering calls;
- refuse to listen to a DJ if they are using flash drives instead of vinyls;
- dance like someone is watching.