advice · Bland Stuff

New Laws

I’m not sure exactly why (I sense Brexit has something to do with it) but the British government has just finishing codifying some interesting new laws. The police officer in the featured image may be smiling, but she’s ready to bop you on the head with her truncheon should you infringe any of them in front of her.

Not sure if “to codify laws” is a phrase, but it sounds about right.

You might be scratching your head, wondering what on earth I could be talking about. “But, Ro,” you might be saying, “I am a British citizen. I think I’d know if we had a spate of new laws coming in. I think I’d have seen it on Twitter.”

Yeah, you’d think. The sneaky, sneaky government has purposefully made sure no one knows about this new legislation by posting it exclusively to Google+. And why don’t they want anyone to know about these laws? Because their infringement incurs a hefty fine – money which goes straight into Johnny Westminster’s pockets.

Luckily for you, Google+ is the only social medium I use. I prefer it because I can post sarcastic comments about my loved ones without them ever finding out. Also I can slag off Love Island without anyone thinking I’m just doing it for the attention.

For that reason, I’m abreast of the upcoming laws, and I’m more than happy to share them with you. Be careful: you don’t want to get caught out!


person pouring seasonings on raw meatsNo fish on Tuesdays.

This one’s as simple as it sounds: from October 2018, absolutely no fish are allowed in the United Kingdom on Tuesdays. Persons found to be infringing this law will be subject to immediate arrest and a fine of up to £200. Fish found to be infringing this law will be eaten by the local constable.

That picture is actually a little misleading, so let me clarify: it’s not that you’re not allowed to eat fish on Tuesdays, but rather that fish generally are not allowed. It’s expected that police officers will be SCUBA trained as standard in order to enforce this. If you have a pet fish, make sure to hide both it and any paraphanalia (eg fish tank, model castle etc) related to it on Tuesdays.


person holding drafting paper

All drivers must wear high-viz.

If you’re getting behind the wheel after the 1st of March 2019, please, please make sure you’re wearing a high-visibility jacket that conforms to government standards. If you don’t, you’re liable to pay an on-the-spot fine of up to £70, and, if what you’re wearing is particularly subdued, your licence may be revoked.


black and white business chart computer

No more saying, “I rate it.”

I know what you’re thinking: “It’s the bloody thought police!” No, it’s not. It’s the speech police, so reign in your disapproval, George Orwell. Jesus.

Anyway, the police are cracking down on increasing numbers of people saying, “I rate it,” to express approval. After December this year, those heard saying this will be put under house arrest.


light golden retriever puppy close up photography

Pick up after your dog.

You might say, “But, Rodge! Leaving dog poos around is already a crime.” Yes, true. But this law goes one step further: in an effort to combat declining standards of tidiness in the canine community, dog owners will have to pick up any and all toys the dog carries around the house and place them in a designated dog box.

If a homeowner is seen to be remiss in this duty, whether because toys are outside of the dog box, or because the dog box is incorrectly labelled, they will be sent to prison for a maximum of 35 days, during which the dog will be cared for either by the police constable (if it’s a cute one) or a nominated relative (if it’s gross).


document id uk driving license driving licence

All citizens must carry ID cards.

I don’t know if you remember, but there was actually a move to introduce a similar law not so long ago.

However, under this legislation, set to come into effect from November 2019, citizens must carry the ID card belonging to the last person they shared a pizza with. Those carrying their own ID cards will be subject to serious scrutiny, since they’ve either never shared a pizza with anyone, or shared pizza with a chain of people until their own ID card ended up back in their pocket.

Those with missing or irregular documents will be forced to either pay a £17 fine or present the local police constable with £15 worth of pizza. It’s not clear whether this act will constitute giving or sharing a pizza, so no one yet knows whether the buyer of the pizza will have to swap ID cards with the police constable. I’ll let you know more when I do.


Mrs Brown’s Boys is outlawed.

I can’t argue with this. It’s for the good of the nation.

I can’t even bring myself to find a relevant picture.


The more you know.

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future

Slacks in the Year 2079

The year is 2079.

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Mars has been terraformed; JK Rowling is on the £5 note. Bake-Off has entered its 75th series, presented by an animatronic Mary Berry with the same piercing blue eyes and deep understanding of crumb structure as the original. The Queen’s refusal to die is beginning to make people suspicious; they’ve had to start making up new names for Jubilees since she’s burnt through all the precious metals and gemstones known to man. Next year she’ll celebrate her Pine Resin Jubilee with a concert in Hyde Park – Keith Richards will perform. England has still not won another World Cup.

The average man on the street is unrecognisable. Not only does a shimmering fog force people to walk around wearing SCUBA gear, in eighty-something years’ time fashion will have gone to a place that we today, narrow-minded in our jeans and trainers, can scarcely imagine.

Let me say one word to you: iridescent.

Here’s another: velvet.

Thanks to its protective qualities (that smog I mentioned a second ago will be mildly acidic and give people itchy red rashes), velvet will be the fabric of choice in years to come. From socks to ear muffs and everything in between will be made of the stuff; when A-Level students study literature, their teachers will have to tell them what such obsolete words as cotton and wool mean. Searching through dusty attics for grandad’s old iPhone X, grandchildren will come across a pair of nylon boxers and be equal parts bemused and unsettled.

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Not wanting to look like oil paintings or, God forbid, hipsters, chic youths of the future will experiment with metallic colours and patterns. Buttons will be designed to look like bolts or buttons, and boots will be shod with steel. Perhaps, on some level, these fashionistas are anticipating a robot/human conflict and are hoping to ingratiate themselves with their metal counterparts before the fighting begins in earnest. On the other hand, perhaps they just like the aesthetic.

In 2018, jeans rule the roost. You can scarcely move for denim. Kids wearing slacks to school are either mercilessly teased or simply sent to Coventry; Levi’s has its hands in all of our (too small) pockets.

Oh, how the worm will have turned by the year 2079!

 

 

Following a unflinching expose of the jeans industry broadcast on BBC1 – it turns out denim is made from the nail clippings of one of the cutest animals ever discovered, the denimulet – sales of jeans will crash. GAP stocks will fall by $28 per share, precipitating the largest sartorial economic downturn since, in the late 80s, people all of a sudden realised how weird flares look.

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This isn’t a denimulet – it’s a red panda – but would you wear jeans if you knew they were made from this guy’s toenails?

By the way, eyebrows will be Out in 2079. Kids will simply shave them off and replace them with multicoloured stickers they get from their favourite cafes and hoverboard shops.